Everything’s a trade-off
In the past couple of years, we
-left our jobs in NYC and our apartment in JC
-followed the big sky across the Midwest and moved to South Dakota
-swam the blue waters of South Florida for over half a year
-pounded the pavement working/living full-time in Manhattan for 6 mos
-semi-retired to this farm for the winter.

We are technically newbies when it comes to traveling the US, but I have learned this: There are pros and con$ to all of the “lives” we’ve lived.
What’s important is the ability to adapt. There are those who are perfectly content with where they are, and that’s great.  However, it’s one thing to love where you are, and it’s another to be stuck in a routine. There is no one place I’ve visited that “has it all”, but each place has something unique and awesome to offer! I will welcome the opportunity to try something new, especially new places!

Who cares what other people think, really?
I care about what people think, more often than I’d like to admit. In trying to live this life where I’ve prioritized life and not work, I’ve come across a gamut of reactions that I’ve learned to take with a grain of salt. Some hear a romantic tale of adventure and start to daydream about quitting their jobs. Others snear and dismiss us, saying we’re crazy hippies. Basically, I’ve come to the conclusion that no one knows anything about anyone else’s situation. It’s not possible! I will not spend so much time discerning between people who truly care about my happiness (which I already know is not as often as I’d like) and people who are just, well… projecting their issues onto me.

Eyes on the prize, Violet…
Working part time has been a goal of mine for over a year, and I’ve finally reached that point. As soon as I hit part-time, my blog started taking off. I won’t list all of my current goals here (a lot of them are mini goals for my blog), but my point is, if you have a goal, eventually you reach it. It may come slowly or quickly. It may take some sacrifice (ehemm), but you get there. You just have to keep those eyes on that prize!

What really matters
I’m not trying to wax poetic, and I’m certainly not going to say “all you need is love”. When I really think about what keeps me truly happy, I think about spending the day under the shining sun, and having my best friend (Anthony) to share it with me. My best days are when we laugh together, hang out with friends, eat homemade food with family, record songs, and take photos. That’s the best there is! I am promising myself to make a life where I do these things as much as possible!

It’s 2012, BABY!

An ideal workspace should inspire you to grow, to think, and to be creative.  Ideas need a place to be LOUD.

However, things beyond my control have found a way to push me back just as I was getting comfortable.
The warmth, the sun, and the sand will be replaced once again with the grit, tall buildings, and concrete.

I’m excited for what’s ahead, but I’ve never felt so sad about leaving a place.

Here comes another move.  I’ll leave behind some newly acquired possessions, some trinkets, and lots of good intentions.  I’ll pack new memories, stuffed in with the old lessons and take them with me.  I’ll quietly surrender to where life is leading, but I will match every move, unchecked.

It will be good to be home, with the latest outlook.  The anticipation of great things hangs in the air.

The first was taken during the romantic lull of a laparoscopic case in the OR.   My sharp back pain hits, and there’s the hypagognic jerk.  How long have I been in here?

The second photo was taken when I was let out of work early. I started to walk toward the rhythmic water, just outside the hospital.  The breeze swept my hair to the side, the sun was warming my aching back, and the salty scent of the beach was in the air.  In this photo, it’s just out of reach.

I am always chasing my dreams.  I’m almost there.

I think most people have different forms of themselves within.  This is especially true for artists.  Each artistic form is dying to come out and surface at the top, clawing to make their existence known.

It seems I’ve managed to keep my focus on work and money-making, that I have left little time for creating.  People ask me how I do so much, and it’s because I’ve stretched myself to where there’s hardly any elastic memory left.  I’ve been untrue to myself.

Streamlining is something I have to do.  I want to give my full attention to art, because I was born to express and create.  I want to reveal myself in so many different ways… but I never have the time!  With repetition, comes rhythm.  I’m lucky if I can create something once.  There is always a battle for how I spend my time.

But now, I’m gaining momentum.  I’m digging my nails in until I can finally pull myself to where I want to be.

I blame my parents for my perpetual identity crisis. I know of other Filipinos who have the same dilemma.

Which name should I pick out of my hat?
Which form of me will exist to you?
 What a [sometimes cultural] mess.

A pro version of myself has emerged this 2011.  From a spiky cocoon, out comes a refined and smoother version of me, and her name is Kristen.  I am reborn, and self-Christened.   Yes, let’s embrace Kristen for now.  I am going to take myself seriously: in art, in music, in design.  This is a mockup of the future me.

(Yes, you may still call me Binky. <3 )

I loved 2010 for its simplicity.  Anthony and I whittled away our treasures, took off in our car, and started a journey with no end.  We’ve learned to appreciate the people we love even more, crave our art even more, and we’re still learning.  Needless to say, whatever I promised myself in 2010 wasn’t shabby.  For this year, I don’t think I have any new resolutions, just new goals.

Resolutions:
1. Cut the crap:
This resolution is my favorite.  I want to enjoy life, and only crap gets in my way.
From food to beauty products to people, there is always a crappy version available, and I will pass.  (I want to be skinny, after all.)

2.  Keep it simple, stupid.
Yup.

3.  Done is better than perfect.
Self help.  I have this issue where I can’t get things done unless they are infallible from every angle.  But you can’t improve on anything if you don’t DO anything.  So… just do it.

Segue…

Goals:
1. Music & Art
-Write and record an EP with Tony.
-Maintain mimeographic with art & photos.
-Exhibit stuff in a craft fair or make some cakes!

2.  Cakeb0t
-Site redesign! (almost done anyway)
-Improve my product and make more vids.

3.  Get our own apartment in Florida
-…requires getting our sh** together.  This means, we gotta make some money.
-After this goal, we should make bigger travel plans.

To achieve these lofty goals…
Time management.  I have to start with getting a [written] planner together. And use it this time.

Sigh.  Moving forward… An imitation isn’t as good as the original.

My insomnia has existed as long as I can remember.  As a toddler, I used to watch the sky change color in my window.  From black to blue to pale with sun.  Time went by so quickly.

Nowadays, I do try to be a grown up and sleep early, with the help of pills, meditation, and whatever else.  It seems I can’t ever get any rest.

When I have inspiring days, like today, days packed with the beauty of fragile, fragrant flora and tight rows of furry fauna, of gravel and earth and wind sky, of adhesive and paper, of felt and linens, of light and glass, lines and pencils, smoke and breath, of buzzes and bells, of strings and vibrations… I just can’t sleep.

Maybe I’m avoiding reality?  The ultimate in procrastination is to avoid sleep.  Maybe it’s because I don’t want to stop feeling this way.  The whole world is here, and I can’t end the day without being a part of it.  I’m exhausted, but, I’ve got to keep my eyes peeled because all there is, is here, in this moment.

I consider myself a pretty liberal person, now.

In my youth, I was brainwashed by a “conservative” upbringing, that it was hard to think for myself.   A lot of this oppression was due to how I was raised (ehemm) as well as being placed in an environment of fundamentalist religious fanatics (was that redundant?).  I can still hear the leaders actually yelling in emotional sensationalist rants about nothing that had to do with getting to know God.  It was, in its simplest form, demanding good church attendance, demanding a belief in every single word of the pastor’s interpretation of the Bible, and “saving” your friends by getting them to go to this church with you.

I can still remember staying up all night because we had to pray pray pray and waking up early in the morning to hear someone speak for hours saying how God wants him to talk this long.

I won’t get into it anymore.

In any event, I think I’m actually going to go this weekend.  My hope is to find a place that is real, where I can really get in touch with God.  I’ve never really doubted there was a God.  Sometimes, maybe.  But I’ve definitely doubted the church, most church people, and of course, religion.  I can’t expect a perfect church, but at least now I know the difference between what I do need from a church, and what I don’t need.

I’m feeling such a positive vibe lately (yeah, it could be the nice Florida weather)…  Something very painful resurfaced recently, but, I dealt with whatever leftover pain I had, and now I feel pretty good.  In church terms, they would call that healing.  I realized there is still so much healing and growing I have to do.  And so I thought, gee maybe it’s time to go to church again.

We shall see.  I remain positive, with a grain.

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For fun, type “fundamentalist religious fanatics” in a google search and see what comes up first!